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Nov. 21st, 2011

(no subject)

in detachment ive experianced, i just watched my life. i was watching myself live, like from a distance, but i wasnt in it. i didnt feel things. in my head i thought, i should feel this emotion right now, but it totally would just drift right past, like it wasnt me. everything, everyone around me were people i knew but didnt recognize. i remembered the things i used to like and used to not like but none of that made any difference, because it was all past tense, i didnt have any concious opinion in the present. i knew what my old opinions would have been but they werent clicking. it was so out of body. i was just blank.

im wondering, when you get detached, are you still attached to anything? its like a spiritual death. my spirit was dormant. so there was no emotion. which makes me think, emotion must lie in the spiritual part of you. because i know thats what it was. when i lost faith and everything and didnt care REALLY didnt care anymore..

i was conciously aware of things though. obviously. i could get dressed and do makeup and drive my car and go places and see people but none of it meant anything. if youre brain dead, is your spirit still inside? i wonder how it all works.

theres no one part of your brain thats like "this is your conciousness, your being" is there? if youre brain dead, your spirit has to still be there, cause youre still alive, but you must not even know it. does it take death to have spiritual release?

do you still think thoughts? like, im staring at the ceiling because i cant move or speak or do anything else, do you think that thought? or is there really nothing there? there has to be nothing there or else you wouldnt be brain dead. but where is your spirit?

how do doctors know youre really gone? vegetable? i hate that word because it makes me feel sick thinking about it. thinking of someone i know like that, or myself like that. im just so wierd feeling right now. i dont even know a word that could explain it logically.

if im ever on a machine that is making me breath cause my body cant or making my heart beat because mine cant, i say no. its against the natural course of life. and it would be selfish for family or people to keep you on a machine thats living for your body. your spirit must be gone then. just floating there above the old flesh, waiting for the family that loves you to let you go. but its not YOU, its just your body. your organs and your skin.

without the spirit, there is no conciousness.

idk how it dwells in us. thats the thing thats so amazing is that God made us all bodies that work so awesome and do all these things, but how did he get the spirit to dwell inside? where does our conciousness lie?

so many questions. i dont want to know the answer though. i think if i knew it would be terrible for me. it would change me.

i dont want to know.

Nov. 18th, 2011

(no subject)

ive never been a good friend. im terrible at being there for people cause i dont know how to be.

and michelles dead. and im living here doing all of these things and its just not right.

its all wrong and i dont know how to get past it.

all the people who say all the things youre supposed to say dont make sense to me anymore

it all makes me so angry. and it hurts in the wierdest kind of way and my cars broken and ive left chelsea alone and i just want to make everything better then it is and i dont know how i dont know i dont know i dont kno

anything anymore

Oct. 28th, 2011

roaming through the night to find my place in this world

im dark and twisty. but its better then being happy and blind, because at least im still aware.

some people are able to go through life without knowing. it makes it easier for them, to be blind. and they dont WANT to see, they dont want to know the truth because theyre scared for the same reasons im scared, except i cant deny it or turn away from it because its everything i am. its everything im meant to be.

i see the bigger picture. sometimes its so scary, to know. know what? know how to evaluate and level people. but judgement of that kind doesnt come without prejeducices. its scary to know that i cant turn away without dying. but dying in different ways.

some of the thoughts i think are so cruel and arrogant. and it scares me to think that way. to see other people as inferior.

im being too arrogant and i know because i need to learn to use this for good. i cant read everyone. i really dont know anything, even with everything ive learned in the 20 years of my life. and sometimes i feel like i know so much and im so smart, intuitive, perceptive. but letting it get ahold of me really fucks me up.

i lose sight of God because I let knowledge become my god. which cant happen.

last night i was up just trying to connect with the Holy Spirit and i was blocked off. when i closed my eyes i saw evil images. it worried me, because i let myself go too far without Him. and after a while, the connection turns to static like too far a distance in the air waves.

but, when i finally started meditating on God, and widened my focus, and recalled His power and majesty and gloriousness, i felt, this is so hard to describe, i felt like a spiritual cord suddenly attached me back to Him. I felt it coming out of the center of my abdomen stretching into the heavens. God literally connected me to Him again spiritually and it felt so physically real, not just emotional. like i could reach out and touch the cord attaching us. He is capable of everything. he crosses from the spiritual realm into this one like a human walks from land into water. its nothing for Him, he created everything and I just lose sight of it too much when i think too much.

when i stopped thinking, shut everything out and just imagined God reigning over space and earth and everything, I was able to connect with my inner child. the part that has that faith, that complete trust and blind faith, knowing youre safe and protected, like when i was little and mom would hold me and sing. that blissful detatchment to things of this world and the childlike awe and wonder.

it felt so good. to feel that again. i had almost forgotten.


Matthew 18:1 At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, "Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" 2 Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, 3 and said, "Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 "Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 "Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me. 6 "But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

Aug. 7th, 2011

black and white is the way it should be but shades of grey are the colors i see.

i was just getting my life back together

and now its all falling apart.. again.

my mom says i cant let that happen, but its really, really hard.

i just feel like gods testing my resolve, but this is a really mean way to do it.

because its breaking me down.

i dont know what to do who to talk to or what to say. i think too much to say much because as soon as the words are out of my mouth im thinking something completely different, but im trying to keep my thoughts of the dark, as impossible as it feels

Jul. 20th, 2011

the most beautiful experiance we can have is the mysterious

your organism is the miracle of harmony,





"How strange is the lot of us mortals! Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he sometimes thinks he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people -- first of all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness is wholly dependent, and then for the many, unknown to us, to whose destinies we are bound by the ties of sympathy. A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving...

"I have never looked upon ease and happiness as ends in themselves -- this critical basis I call the ideal of a pigsty. The ideals that have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Kindness, Beauty, and Truth. Without the sense of kinship with men of like mind, without the occupation with the objective world, the eternally unattainable in the field of art and scientific endeavors, life would have seemed empty to me. The trite objects of human efforts -- possessions, outward success, luxury -- have always seemed to me contemptible.

"My passionate sense of social justice and social responsibility has always contrasted oddly with my pronounced lack of need for direct contact with other human beings and human communities. I am truly a 'lone traveler' and have never belonged to my country, my home, my friends, or even my immediate family, with my whole heart; in the face of all these ties, I have never lost a sense of distance and a need for solitude..."


"My political ideal is democracy. Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized. It is an irony of fate that I myself have been the recipient of excessive admiration and reverence from my fellow-beings, through no fault, and no merit, of my own. The cause of this may well be the desire, unattainable for many, to understand the few ideas to which I have with my feeble powers attained through ceaseless struggle. I am quite aware that for any organization to reach its goals, one man must do the thinking and directing and generally bear the responsibility. But the led must not be coerced, they must be able to choose their leader. In my opinion, an autocratic system of coercion soon degenerates; force attracts men of low morality... The really valuable thing in the pageant of human life seems to me not the political state, but the creative, sentient individual, the personality; it alone creates the noble and the sublime, while the herd as such remains dull in thought and dull in feeling.
"This topic brings me to that worst outcrop of herd life, the military system, which I abhor... This plague-spot of civilization ought to be abolished with all possible speed. Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!

"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed. It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion. A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, our perceptions of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty, which only in their most primitive forms are accessible to our minds: it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute true religiosity. In this sense, and only this sense, I am a deeply religious man... I am satisfied with the mystery of life's eternity and with a knowledge, a sense, of the marvelous structure of existence -- as well as the humble attempt to understand even a tiny portion of the Reason that manifests itself in nature."

Jul. 1st, 2011

ambivalence: a collision between thought and feeling

i had a dream last night of a subway collision.

jackies bridal shower was kicked out because of some other party coming in. main street was closed, so we took the subway to somewhere else nice.. near the water i think.

i had my camera taping the trip and i saw the collision coming before it happened. jackie and kurt were in the car in front of mine, and they were hit straight on.

three of us survived in the middle of no where.

i cant describe the pain of losing jackie. it was like nothing id ever felt before in my life, and it wasnt even real.

just like a part of you is gone forever. it makes you hate yourself for surviving. it would have been better if i had died too.

i just couldnt go on without her existing near to me or somewhere on this planet.

ive been scanning websites for subway collisions, but they are pretty rare, suprisingly. i dont think ill ever take the subway again if i can help it.

im almost panicking just thinking about it right now.

CNN is on, but nothing is being said or shown concerning any dreams ive had this past night.

i dont know what to think or what to do.

jackie and kurt are okay. i called them so i could have that reassurance.


...what scares me the most i think, is the fact that im starting to have these dreams again.

theyre too real to ignore, theyre like visions, but how could that be possible?

i feel so cold.

not my skin, my bones. i feel like im radiating a coldness from inside.

its like fear.

Jun. 26th, 2011

(no subject)

"you are right autumn. i should not leash a dog without a collar. it chokes them and is very uncomfortable for the dog. but i really don't care about the dog choking or being uncomfortable. i have it under control."


fucking what the fuck.

May. 12th, 2011

(no subject)

these perceptions have changed everything about me. i don't need people like i used to, i dont need to feel accepted, especially by those i wanted to be close with in my past. they are the farthest from me now.

everything has shifted, changed.
i don't even want friends anymore. i play act enough already.

May. 4th, 2011

as i give these moments shape here

time is suspended. so.

im living in suspended animation.

freeze

frozen

have a i said this all before?

"This much im certain of: it doesn't happen immediately. You'll finish and that will be that, until a moment will come, maybe in a month, maybe a year, maybe several years. You'll be sick or feeling troubled or deeply in love or quietly uncertain or even content for the first time in your life. It won't matter. Out of the blue, beyond any cause you can trace, you'll suddenly realize things are not how you percieved them to be at all. For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You'll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, you'll realise it's always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you won't understand why or how. You'll have forgotten what granted you this awareness in the first place.
Old shelters-television, magazines, movies-won't protect you anymore. You might try scribbling in a journal, on a napkin, maybe even in the margins of this book. That's when you'll discover you no longer trust the very walls you always took for granted. Even the hallways you've walked a hundred times will feel longer, much longer, and the shadows, any shadow at all, will suddenly seem much deeper, much, much, deeper.
You might try then, as I did, to find a sky so full of stars it will blind you again. Only no sky can blind you now. Even with all that iridescent magic up there, your eye will no longer linger on the light, it will no longer trace constellations. You'll care only about the darkness and you'll watch it for hours, for days, maybe even for years, trying in vain to believe you're some kind of indispensible, universe-apointed sentinel, as if just by looking at it you could actually keep it all at bay. It will get so bad you'll be afraid to look away, you'll be afriad to sleep.
Then no matter where you are, in a crowded restaurant or on some desolate street or even in the comforts of your own home, you'll watch yourself dismantle every assurance you ever lived by. You'll stand aside as a great complexity intrudes, tearing apart, piece by piece, all of your carefully concieved denials, whether deliberate or unconcious. And then for better or worse you'll trun, unable to resist, though to resist you still will, fighting with everything you've got not to face the thing you most dread, what is now, what will be, what has always come before, the creature you truly are, the creature we all are, buried in the nameless black of a name.

And then the nightmares will begin."

have i said all this before?

May. 3rd, 2011

i shoot i miss i shoot i miss

ive been thinking about mike pretty often. I found out he's still in a relationship. I messaged him about game of thrones because im honestly curious, but I may have elaborated too much on myself. I don't know.

All i know is that I've made so many mistakes in my past and it's not as easy as one may think to make everything right again.

Things break into pieces and once shattered, it's like putting a glass mirror back together, but there will always be cracks and imperfections, ive heard similar things said before, but how true and honest.

Chelsea and I are on good terms again, even though we're still pretty distant. I never imagined my life would take this turn.

I've been thinking a lot about California, and the more I think on it and the more people tell me this is the time of my life to do these things and accomplish these tasks, the more I want to do it.

Both parts of me are pulling in either direction and the strain is tiresome and prolonged. If I just wasn't as indecisive about everything, things would probably be much easier

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